Life before & Lessons learned

I used to write. It's how I would pour my heart out and share my story with the world, or at least those who cared to take a glimpse. It used to be theraputic, refreshing, revitalizing. Then, life happened. Marriage. Kids. Working at a high poverty school. Busyness. Life happened, and writing became less and less. Life, like a theif in the night took away my time and with it, my passion for writing. It was no longer the way I expressed my self, the way I processed the events of my life. I could hardly hear the voice anymore of my middle school Language Arts teacher who told me, "You are a great writer. One day your writing will bring you great things. Don't stop writing." But I, the 5th grade reading, language arts and writing teacher, did just that. I stopped writing. Oh, the irony.

Life was good at times and hard at others, but I rarely wrote about it anymore. There were big things---Moving back to Evansville after a short stay in Seymour, Josh's dream job, the perfect job for me, finding our niche at Crossroads, including our small group, my battle with anxiety and depression, tough pregnancies, healthy babies born, grade level switch, my dad's diagnosis, the loss of a newphew, a dairy/egg allergy and tubes for Emmett, a sweet niece born, my growing Plexus business, seeing our little ones growing up too fast, growing with our small group,  close friends moving away, a new home... There were also little things--long walks at the Newburgh riverfront, frozen yogurt, swimming, wineries, trips, potty training, breastfeeding, prayers before bedtime, modifying recipes to make them dairy free, teaching and loving on kids everyday, decorating a new home, playing at parks, jumping at Skyzone, play doh, reading the same books over and over, running, cooking, Mexican food, this list could go on and on, because life is truly is made up of the little moments and little things.

Sometimes things happen in life that change everything in a matter of minutes---a car accident, a death, the loss of a child, a suicide, a home invasion, a fire that takes everything, a serious illness. These things are things to be shared, in hopes that others can take some of the burden, some of the load that is weighing down so hard on your chest, making it impossible to think or breathe. These things send you spiraling down into darkness, and through time, counseling, the help of others, you get through them and come out on the other side where there is light and goodness. All of this is only possible through and with Christ. Sometimes things like this happen, that are too taboo to share, and you are left to pick up the pieces alone, and with the help of a few who you have confided in, but the weight is almost too much for such few people. The people who are there have only seen the very teeny tiny tip of the iceberg. They can't really relate, because they are still living their seemingly mess free daily lives, making sweet memories with their families.  These are times when only God can help.

You learn many things in times like this.
 People will disappoint you and you will disappoint yourself. You learn that some things are just too hard for some people to bear and so they walk away.  Sometimes these people are the ones who should be holding you closest. You learn that your true friends stick around, unchanging. They don't change who they are or how they treat you, and they don't change promises they've made. They don't break promises. They don't point fingers. They walk alongside you. They support you. They love and enoucrage you, even when all they hear is silence. Even when the going gets tough. Even when your mood is a roller coaster. They get on for the ride. You learn that not everyone can do that. Not everyone can take it, but you learn who can. You learn that some people don't know what to say, so they either say nothing or they say some really stupid things. You learn to forgive them for that, because at least they tried. You learn what it looks like to forgive others in your saddness and heartache. You learn that when you think things are at their worst, that they might not be. You learn what rock bottom really feels like. You learn that it's okay if your house is a disaster even if it drives you crazy. You learn that it's okay to buy prepackaged meals or accept meals from others. You learn that you have emotions that you didn't even know you had, and you learn that life goes on. You learn that prayer, scripture, meditation, music, Christ is all that can get you through.  You learn to turn to Him, to lean on him, to let him hold you. You learn that things you thought were important before maybe really weren't so important after all. You learn to pick up the pieces and move on. You learn that it's okay to not be the picture perfect facebook mom, wife, teacher, friend. You learn that it's okay to say, "I am not okay, but I will be." You learn that with Christ beside, you will make it through, because his love never fails.

Snow Day

Snow days are good for the soul.

Waking up to a world of white, everything snow covered whispers, "Shhhhh, be quiet, slow down, rest."

That's just what I did, as Eden slept, and Emmett played,  I admired the sight out the back door while I sipped on my cinnamon coffee and read my devotional.  Such beautiful things that God of ours created. Snow days are such a reminder of that.

We had such a fun day yesterday staying in our comfy clothes, painting snow in the kitchen, eating snow ice cream, sledding, attempting to build a snowman, making snow angels, drinking "warm chocolate" and hot coffee, and taking a long nap. (Yes, both kids napped at the same time and this momma did too.)  It. was. glorious. Took the time to make a yummy dinner, Mexcian stuffed peppers for me and chili cornbread casserole for Eden and daddy. Even got a little bit of scrapbooking and house cleaning done, and tied up some loose ends for Emmett's birthday party. It was a perfect, yet simple day. Just the way I like it.

Snow days are for recharging and resting, and I am so thankful that we had a day to do just that. Now I'm ready to take on another busy day of teacher-mom life that I love.... almost as much as a good snow day. Yes, I'm ready to take on today..........right after I finish my coffee.

Life with Two.

When we found out we were expecting baby #2, a little over a year ago, I was flooded with  emotion. Joy for the tiny little one growing inside of me, worry about how I could ever love this baby as much as I loved its big sister, fear that I wouldn't have enough time or energy to be all that I needed to be for two children (let's be honest---this happened a little more quickly than we thought it would), but more than all of that  I was filled with instant love and excitement for the new life that I would meet in just over nine months---what felt like an eternity at the time.

When Emmett arrived via planned c-section on a cold February day, he was nothing short of the sweet little bundle that we had hoped and prayed for, and I was bursting with love like I had only  felt once before a little less than two years prior.  My worry of not being able to love him the way I loved his sister seemed silly now. Seeing Eden with him for the first time was one of the best experiences I have ever had--although blurred by exhaustion and pain medication. It was a vision for me of the great big sister she would be.

Then we were sent home. I cried on the way home from the hospital--Exhausted. How can we do this? Maybe we aren't cut out for having two kids?? Josh assured me that we would be fine and also reminded me that we did indeed have two kids, so there was no looking back. Emmett cried because he was hungry. I cried because I was hungry. All I wanted was a cold lunch meat sandwich. The Subway line was too long to wait with a screaming baby. Thank goodness for great friends (Angie Schwengel) willing to go out of her way to bring a new mommy something to eat. Emmett struggled with nursing due to being latch issues and jaundice, and although I felt like he was nursing pretty much 24/7 around the clock, he wasn't actually getting enough milk. I became engorged and feverish. He was losing weight. It seemed hopeless. Why did something so natural  have to be so hard. I went for many consultations at the Women's Hospital and was crying as I waited most of the time. The nurses acted like it was completely normal---as I'm sure they are completely used to it. I sobbed to them about how I didn't know if I could do it. I told them about my two year old at home, scribbling on her bedroom wall while I was nursing, and confessed my feeling like I was neglecting her. "He's not my only one," I told them. "I can't spend all my time nursing him!" It seemed like an eternity that I spent nursing him for 15-20 minutes on each side, pumping, and then feeding him a bottle every 2 hours (3 hours at night) around the clock. It was one of the hardest things ever at the time, and it seemed like it would never end, but looking back it was such a short time.

With some time to rest  today on Labor day, after a long night up with a sick baby, I'm reflecting on the what life has become in the past six months with two kids. We have been tired. So tired.  However, nothing that a little blueberry or Cinnabon Keurig coffee won't cure. And busy.  So busy. Busy feeding and changing, potty training, dressing, playing, reading bedtime stories, giving medicine and baths, packing diaper bags, getting bottles and outfits ready. Busy in a way that we never really thought about but has become so worth it. Everyone keeps telling me how big Emmett is getting. "He's growing so fast," they tell me. "Oh wow, he's so much bigger than last time we saw him!" Someone even asked me today if he was getting close to a year. "NO! No way!! He's still a baby," I told them. "A little bitty baby." But I  am aware of how fast time goes. That is why I am going to reflect for a minute and be thankful for my two little blessings, no matter how crazy life has become, and when I am done reflecting, I am going to turn off the lamp, silence my cell phone, and fall asleep peacefully, hoping not to hear any baby coos or cries until at least 4 am. A mom can dream, right?

A Day in the Life

Today has been a nice day.  It started off last night, Emmett slept from10-4:30, giving mommy and daddy some much needed rest after three nights of eating every twoish hours. Wish that I hadn't woken up to check on him every couple hours--maybe tonight Emmett will sleep and so will mommy.

This morning the kids slept long enough to give me time to pump, enjoy my coffee with my coconut milk creamer (which I have gotten used to, and actually kind of enjoy), and have a little quiet time. I even got to catch up on some news. Then I made breakfast oatmeal, yogurt, and bananas for Eden, pita bread with peanut butter, granola, honey, and bananas for mommy, and of course milk for Emmett. :-p. We had breakfast, I got both kids ready, and even had time to brush my teeth and put make up on while Eden watched Daniel Tiger. Then with time still to spare, I got lunch ready for after our playdate--mac-n-cheese and a beef hot dog for Eden and a BBQ chicken salad with avacado for me.. I kind of felt like I had this whole mom-of-two-two-and-under thing all together, at least for the morning.

We had fun at the zoo for our play date with Julie and Hope. The little monkeys fit right in, and enjoyed seeing all the animals, although they couldn't make up their mind whether they wanted to walk, ride in each others' stroller, or be carried. Eden also tried to pretend that we don't feed her and begged for all of Hope's snacks. I have got to start remembering more snacks. That girl likes to eat. Although my snacks probably wouldn't be as good as "Hopey's snacks." For being at the zoo almost two hours, and for doing a lot of walking, the girls did great. Eden was asleep before we hit Diamond.

Too bad that after her lunch and a cookie for dessert, Eden has now been in her room for over an hour, doing everything but napping. I really thought we had worn her out this morning. Guess not! She is currently yelling and kicking her wall. Little stinker. At least she is staying in her room and having somewhat quiet time---that is not always the case! At least with her in her room, and Emmett napping in his swing, I have had time to do a little picking up, and getting tacos ready for dinner, before a walk with Brook and Emma this afternoon.

I am enjoying this stay at home thing--I don't think I could do it all of the time, but I sure am savoring these simple days when their nice, calm, and structured like today, and even when they're a little crazier. I wouldn't trade these days with my two little ones for anything.

Gassy Emmett

Emmett's tummy is miserable. He is constantly gassy and grunting and fussing and passing gas and crying in pain. It is very sad to see. He is only really content if I am holding him against my chest, and even then, his knees are curled up and his back is arched. He spits up constantly and screams out in pain...then passes gas. The lactation consultant at the hospital recommended that I cut out dairy immediately as she thinks his behavior is for sure the result of something in my diet, and dairy is the most common culprit for upsetting baby's tummy. It takes three weeks to fully get out of my system, so until then, we just wait.

I miss creamer. I had really been enjoying my coffee in the morning with my Girl Scout thin mint coffee mate creamer. Yum. It made getting up at 5am doable. Almost enjoyable.

I miss my protein shakes. They get me started off on the right foot and keep me full throughout the morning. They make me less ravenous during the day and help me to have more self control when it comes to what I eat.

I miss my cheese sticks and greek yogurt. These are two of my biggest go to snacks, especially during late night feedings.

It's worth it though. He's worth it. Seeing him not in pain after he eats, totally worth it.

The Best Days

Last night was rough, and tiring, and even a slight bit frustraitng. Emmett wanted to nurse about every 2 hours for about 45 minutes each time. When he wasn't nursing, he wanted to lay in his bed and grunt and sqeak and gasp and keep mommy and daddy awake with all of his cute (but not so cute in the middle of the night) baby noises. In the meantime his sister woke up several times  throughout the night screaming, "mommyyyyy," and "chocolate milkkkkkkkkk," and "no, no, nooooo." Her breathing wasn't great so she ended up getting to spend some time with daddy, getting a breathing treatment, a diaper change, and  even a story, meanwhile mommy nursed...and nursed...and nursed. Then I snuck away to give still-awake Eden some two a.m. cuddles before crawling back into bed.

This morning when I woke up, exhausted (did I really even sleep at all?), the dreary, rainy weather outside, not helping matters at all, a thought occurred to me......What if these days..... these exhausting days of night feedings and cuddles,  crying,  temper tantrums, endless nursing, breathing treatments and antibiotics, mommy brain, and spit up wearing are the best days of our lives? What if they are the days that we look back on and think, I wish we could go back to those days. I wish I hadn't wished those days away. So many people out in public, at church, the grocery store, the mall, stop and stare longingly at our sweet children and tell us how they miss those days or how they wished their kids or grandkids were so small again. Such sweet times, they say, and you can see in their eyes that they are reliving those memories, they are longing for those times.

I don't want to wish these days away, these days that just might be the best days, away. I don't want to rush them being little. I want to enjoy every minute of it, every sleep deprived minute, and thank God for the two little ones that he has blessed us with, amidst all of the chaos.

Mommy Day

I was planning on taking Eden to daycare for the afternoon today so that I could get my hair done, but I didn't sleep...pretty much...at all....last night----my brain just wouldn't turn off-- so I asked Josh to take her this morning, thinking that I would sleep in. Didn't happen, so I'm working on being productive today to keep my mind off of the fact that in less than one week this baby has to come out.  I've done it before, right? Shouldn't be scary, right? Aghhh.. I'm looking forward more than anything to him being here, but not actually looking forward to the getting him here part. Not looking forward to the  IV, or the numbing shot or the spinal shot, or the out of control part, or the possible puking part, or the fact that my uterus will be outside of me laying on my chest. Yep, not looking forward to that.

So on that being productive..I've spent the morning planning for Edens second birthday party (less than a month away!!!), Alyssa's bridal shower, and organizing the nursery. This afternoon, I have plans for lunch with Chelsea, hair appointment (last color and cut before Emmett comes), and I might even stop and use one of my birthday gift cards to get a latte at Starbucks.... and during it all, I get to do the lovely 24 hour urine sample, one last time to check for any underlying Preeclampsia. The lab forgot the pilgrim's hat to pee into, so it's gonna be one of the more interesting urine collections--and I may or may not be using Eden's potty. Don't judge.

Time to stop blogging. and stop watching Parenthood (seriously, how did I not find this series sooner!?) and get back onto that whole being productive thing!