Temporary Relapse

So, I had a wonderful dinner tonight with Cassie Paugh. Wonderful that is, minus the feelings I felt physically and spiritually  after over-filling myself with black bean quesadilla, margaritas, and chips with ranch. *Sigh.* It has been so good to not have this feeling for a while, but today I had what you  call a food relapse. I relapsed big-time into my pre-journey state. . . Was the food good? Yes! Would I have been satisfied with eating half as much? Yes... Not. Good. I was talking and having such a great time, don't get me wrong, but as we talked and caught up, I ate, and ate, and ate, and ate...and you get the picture. I ate a lot! I felt like someone needed to roll me out at the end of the meal, and I lost my feeling of satisfaction that I had been carrying for quite some time on this journey. At the end of the day now though as I sit on the couch typing this (in my stretchy yoga pants and a baggy tee) I am satisfied with knowing that even though I messed up, even though I didn't listen to the screaming voice telling me to stop, even though I ate more than I needed, and went against everything this journey I am on is all about, my God still loves me unconditionally, and he tells me that I can start fresh with my next choice. How comforting is that? I am not ruined for one healthy food choice. What a relief.

 I am realizing that the longer I spend focusing on the issue at heart--not just food and not just the way I look, that I am beginning to crave healthier things, make better choices, and enjoy running again. Yes, I said it, I am beginning to actually enjoy running. I have made tangible changes, that I am beginning to see the results of now. Even if those results do not include shedding ten pounds. (Remember that wasn't the purpose when I began this journey.) I get excited to go to the grocery store (I guess that makes me old and married, but Schnucks on the Eastside has the biggest produce section I have ever seen---it is amazing!) so that I can browse and see what kinds of things that I can get to spice up my salads. I have been getting a lettuce herb mix that has cilantro and other things in it. . It is very yummy. I've added to it tomatoes, mushrooms, peppers, cucumbers, olives, low fat cheese....Any suggestions? I have been eating a lot of salads, and .  .. enjoying them! The Sundried Tomato Vinagrette dressing made with extra virgin olive oil is my new favorite. I can honestly tell you that I have begun to actually crave these salads. Praise Jesus, I'm craving salad!!! I definitely never thought that would happen.

 I also thought that I would never have a desire to run, and if for no other reason, I know that God is at work because of this, because this girl is not a salad-eating, run-loving kind of girl. No way. No how. I ran a mile and a half at the gym and then did fifteen minutes on the stair stepper yesterday, and I left there feeling so full of energy and satisfied with myself. Will I always want to run? Probably not, but I am excited for stepping one foot at least in the right direction. My brother gave me his I-pod touch, because he doesn't use it. Thank you, Andrew! I plan to use it to get myself pumped up for running. I downloaded a running mix today of 150 songs. I am excited to use it tomorrow when I go to the gym. It's the little things that make me continue on this journey, as well as the huge fact that my life is not consumed with the food choices that I make or the way my body looks in the mirror. I am more than the way that I look. I am more than the ice cream in the freezer that taunts me as I type.

God is working in me. To some, it might sound silly, but I do believe that unhealthy food choices and craving other things more than I crave God have been a barrier to my relationship with Him. When satisfied completely by Him, I do not have to bring guilt and dissatisfaction to the work that he has for me.