When Emmett arrived via planned c-section on a cold February day, he was nothing short of the sweet little bundle that we had hoped and prayed for, and I was bursting with love like I had only felt once before a little less than two years prior. My worry of not being able to love him the way I loved his sister seemed silly now. Seeing Eden with him for the first time was one of the best experiences I have ever had--although blurred by exhaustion and pain medication. It was a vision for me of the great big sister she would be.
Then we were sent home. I cried on the way home from the hospital--Exhausted. How can we do this? Maybe we aren't cut out for having two kids?? Josh assured me that we would be fine and also reminded me that we did indeed have two kids, so there was no looking back. Emmett cried because he was hungry. I cried because I was hungry. All I wanted was a cold lunch meat sandwich. The Subway line was too long to wait with a screaming baby. Thank goodness for great friends (Angie Schwengel) willing to go out of her way to bring a new mommy something to eat. Emmett struggled with nursing due to being latch issues and jaundice, and although I felt like he was nursing pretty much 24/7 around the clock, he wasn't actually getting enough milk. I became engorged and feverish. He was losing weight. It seemed hopeless. Why did something so natural have to be so hard. I went for many consultations at the Women's Hospital and was crying as I waited most of the time. The nurses acted like it was completely normal---as I'm sure they are completely used to it. I sobbed to them about how I didn't know if I could do it. I told them about my two year old at home, scribbling on her bedroom wall while I was nursing, and confessed my feeling like I was neglecting her. "He's not my only one," I told them. "I can't spend all my time nursing him!" It seemed like an eternity that I spent nursing him for 15-20 minutes on each side, pumping, and then feeding him a bottle every 2 hours (3 hours at night) around the clock. It was one of the hardest things ever at the time, and it seemed like it would never end, but looking back it was such a short time.
With some time to rest today on Labor day, after a long night up with a sick baby, I'm reflecting on the what life has become in the past six months with two kids. We have been tired. So tired. However, nothing that a little blueberry or Cinnabon Keurig coffee won't cure. And busy. So busy. Busy feeding and changing, potty training, dressing, playing, reading bedtime stories, giving medicine and baths, packing diaper bags, getting bottles and outfits ready. Busy in a way that we never really thought about but has become so worth it. Everyone keeps telling me how big Emmett is getting. "He's growing so fast," they tell me. "Oh wow, he's so much bigger than last time we saw him!" Someone even asked me today if he was getting close to a year. "NO! No way!! He's still a baby," I told them. "A little bitty baby." But I am aware of how fast time goes. That is why I am going to reflect for a minute and be thankful for my two little blessings, no matter how crazy life has become, and when I am done reflecting, I am going to turn off the lamp, silence my cell phone, and fall asleep peacefully, hoping not to hear any baby coos or cries until at least 4 am. A mom can dream, right?
